Coyote Ugly

See. Most people have those friends that when you ask them “hey, give me a topic to write about” they say something like “capitalism”… or “pizza”… or if you’re REALLY lucky something as juvenile as “farts”. If they are anything like me, they won’t respond at all. But if they are anything like MY friends, they will send you a photo of your ex. But not just any photo of your ex. The WORST possible photo of your ex. I’m still perplexed as to how it exists, to be completely honest. And even more perplexed as to how it actually made it to my inbox. Because I can honestly tell you my first thought upon laying thine eyes upon such a portrait was “what the fuck am I dating, and how can I coyote my way out of this relationship?”. ...Virtually of course. And for those of you who don’t know, “coyote” means chewing your arm off in order to get out of being trapped. And I know it all sounds harsh now but I don’t give a fuck, tbh. We’ve since called it off officially, which is should be evident by the radio silence on all social fronts; although sometimes that gives people the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” vibes. I tend to live by the “absence makes my knife grow sharper so please respect my space and don’t creep on me, mmmkay?” credo. But I kept that photo as a reminder. Just in case I started getting weak and thinking about fucking with 3x Krazy again, I take a peek at that photo and voila! My vagina dehydrates into a sundried tomato…. Like….like a raisin... in the sun. So this is a cautionary tale. Wait before you send a photo of yourself when you’re drunk. Tag a friend into the decision making process. Sleep on it. Flush your phone down the toilet. Eat it. Whatever you gotta do. Just don’t ever get caught slipping. ESPECIALLY when you’re an asshole. You might think you’re giving off Beyonce, but you actually giving off Ving Rhames. IF I was super petty (which whatever is immediately under super petty, that is what I am)(But like, i’m so close to super petty I’m actually bleeding into it) I would have sent that as my response every time they reached out to me after we broke up. IF I was super petty, I would have put that photo on a coffee mug and sent it to their coworkers. IF I was super petty, I would have put that bitch on a ribbon in the sky and had it fly around. But I’m not. I’m slightly less than super petty and still super sweet. I’m Petty Crocker. *deletes 1133 horrible selfies off phone*