31 going on 16

I am sitting in my mothers house writing whatever the fuck this is supposed to be and watching Wendy Williams. Why, you ask? Because I’m a bum that’s why. When I had my own place, I would do this same thing but with WAY more weed. Which reminds me. *5 minute smoke break* ANYWAYS....while most people would be wallowing in the pits of despair, I’m not, ( I totally am) because this is a new chapter (my life has spiraled out of control) and great things are on the horizon (why is this happening to me?!). There are so many things to be happy about. For example, I haven’t had to use paper towels/ fast food napkins in leui of toilet paper since I moved here. It’s amazing what a Costco card and little bit of responsibility will get you. An 82 pack of toilet paper if you had any questions figuring that out. So, I basically live next to the laundry room, which means I have absolutely no excuse not to wash the 6 pairs of underwear, 12 t-shirts and the miscellaneous assortment of socks I moved down here with from the Bay Area. I really gotta get the rest of my shit down here before summer starts or else I’ll be cutting the sleeves off my Bill Cosby sweater and wearing that to the beach as a swimsuit. Since I'm an unemployed, I basically have the house to myself all day, which I spend pretending to exercise and catching up on all my shows. Read: doing a singular set of jumping jacks and watching LAHH:ATL and Hoarders. The only 2 shows worth turning on the television for. Moms also keeps lots of booze in the house. KEPT. Past tense. She is extremely particular about her alcohol usually sipping on Grey Goose and a selection of fine wine that she keeps in the mini wine cooler. Which means that the Pineapple Ciroc i foundt the other day is ALL MINE. I’ve been making a some REALLY healthy smoothies with it everyday. And since Ciroc is vodka, and vodka is clear, its like a cousin of water. But with way more fun. And a few DUI’s.... depending who you ask. I am also a dog mom now. Sassy the geriatric chihuahua terrior mix is now my charge. Meaning I walk her 3 times a day (which is quite frankly the only reason why I put pants on at all), make her outfits, and basically serve as her human body pillow. This dog has more control over me and my life than I do. #sassyforpresident